Robot Girlfriends Aren't Just for Sex Anymore

As History has shown, the pornographic think tanks have been responsible for nearly every invention and innovation since the wheel. When you think about it, some are more obvious than others: Gutenberg had a thing for she-male bondage, the Wright Brothers were voyeuristic swingers, and the Internet would implode if porn was abolished. We owe these captains of smut a great deal of gratitude, and shouldn't be surprised to discover they have forged a new era in robotics. Many presumed the Japanese or perhaps the US government would be the first to make a breakthrough in android technology, but neither has the funding nor the drive of adult entertainment.

A Canadian software engineer named Le Trung has developed Project Aiko, the sexiest and arguably most advanced robot ever created. Le Trung lives in his mother's basement, a damp dungeon with cages suspended from the ceiling, discarded Sunny D jugs littering the floor, and the pungent odor of burnt hair and spermicidal rubber wafting through the air.

Aiko has the ability to recognize faces, read the newspaper, and have unique conversations. She also comes equipped with a host of gimmicks, including live weather reports, text messages, a tip calculator, Sara Palin impressions, funny Bible quotations, and a stainless steel apple peeler/corer/slicer. Aiko is wheelchair bound, allegedly due to a career ending ACL injury after a drunken prom night twenty-six car pile-up (although it might be because Trung blew his budget on the best silicon breasts on the market, or the robotics industry’s inability to create a robot that can walk and climb stairs without toppling over like a rusty trash can). Aiko also comes equipped with a watchdog program, using her face recognition software to identify unknown intruders, alert the police, and use her superhuman strength to pacify the intruder with a firm grasp on their skull. After an incident with a nine year old Girl Scout peddling Thin Mints, the Watchdog program has been shut down until a non-lethal upgrade is developed.

Aiko's nubile body is also filled with hundred of "pain" sensors. If you grab her arm (or her breast as the video demonstration shows you), she coldly expresses how much it hurts, and wishes you would stop molesting her in an inappropriate fashion. Trung claims that he does not sleep with his robot, but is unable to answer to why she has sesnors in her "swimsuit area," and why she often asks strangers if she can massage their monster cocks with robotic precision. Clearly a 42 year old living in his mother’s basement designs robots so he can have sex with them. Men have often shown their willingness to use technology to pleasure their insatiable sex cravings, and usually end up having to act nonchalant as a paramedic and plumber try and disengage their unit from a hot tub water jet.

More disturbing than Aiko's Myspace page is Trung's assertion that he is on a quest to create the perfect woman. If the perfect woman is a wheelchair bound rubber doll that shoots lasers from her eyes and yells at you when you grab her breasts, than I am clearly with the wrong girl. Aiko sounds more like the perfect receptionist, and Trung has admitted she could be marketed as such (especially with her love for sexual harassment). But the idea that his concept of female perfection is a mechanical slave worries me, and unless preemptive nuclear strikes are unleashed upon Canada soon, Trung and his fellow puck-slingers will surely unleash their fembot hordes on us all.

Countless films have made it more than clear the inevitably grim outcome of developing artificial intelligence, so why do we foolishly keep trying to create it?. Hollywood hasn’t been wrong yet, and the Oracle in Tinseltown assures us that robots will enslave and then destroy humankind. I just pray I never live to see the day I wash my overlord toaster’s dishes and get unceremoniously raped by the horny hair dryer.

GOP Determined to Shroud Themselves in Villiany

In a real dick power move, the Republicans began preparing for their new role as the bane of Obama's existence by squashing the Dems proposed Auto bailout. Outspoken Republicans beg the question, "Hey, is bankruptcy really that bad?" UAW reps, Democrats, Big Three CO's and most Americans understand it could mean a devastating blow to our already feeble economy. It's quite like finding a blind cripple trying to locate the nearest trashcan, tripping him so he falls on his face, then savagely stomping his testicles with golf shoes until he swears to make greener cars (even though he never graduated from high school and has never actually seen a car).

It is true that many companies use Chapter 11 bankruptcy to restructure, pull themselves up by their bootstraps and return to profitability and lifestyles of greed and excess, but this depends on the industry. Delta Airlines has done it, twice, and thanks to charging for peanuts & blankets, is back on top. However, an airplane ticket is a service, not a good. When one invests in an automobile, one needs to know that there will continue to be parts, service, and a company that manufactures it existing for at least as long as he/she intends to own said vehicle.

Although polls indicated the majority of Americans, and nearly every single Republican, did not support an auto bailout, polls also equally suggest Americans would find themselves disinclined to buy a car from a bankrupt company. The thing is, most Americans don't want the Big Three to fail, causing catastrophic job losses in the millions while samurai sword wielding foreign powers buy out America’s most powerless industry. They also don't want the nickel dicks in Congress to "goof up" again after blatantly wasting $250 million on banks that refuse to lend.

People wouldn’t mind the bailout, if the morons representing us in the congress were able to execute it properly. Congress simply put bags of money in a giant leaf blower and forgot to count it, keep track of it, or make sure it was used for things other than manicures on lavish "We Aren't Totally Screwed" themed company retreats. The GOP needs to realize that Americans don’t have a problem using their tax money to protect American industrial interests and financial stability; they have a problem with the goons in Congress being grossly inefficient in allocating the money. How did these Senators get their jobs again? Aside from charisma and an intense belief in the End Times, what were their actual qualifications? We know they are quite good at having sex with teenagers, driving drunk, and murdering interns- but what about staying in touch with their constituents, drafting progressive and pragmatic legislature, and preventing the megalomaniacal President from pooping on the Constitution and becoming more powerful than Jesus juicing on GHB?

Obama is in for a wild ride if these Repubs insist on playing

the opposite game. Hopefully he is clever enough to support an initiative to not allow the Republicans to hurl themselves off a cliff, and following through with their sworn pact of defiance, they smugly soar over the edge.

Racists Panic as Blacks Discover the Internet

I always thought the Internet was created by Al Gore and some prominent pornographers in the 80's, but apparently the Ku Klux Klan’s Grand Wizard at the time became a silent partner in the beast that would evolve into the World-Wide Web. HTML is in fact the ancient and once secret tongue of the KKK used to talk about black’s while in church, and was adopted by the Wizard as the descriptive code for this invention as part of a totally evil racist conspiracy. Gore wanted to create a platform for people to bitch about how everything should be "green," the pornography barons wanted to fulfill the fantasies of middle-schoolers everywhere, and the KKK pigs wanted to create opportunities for the white men, recruit impressionable teens mentally exhausted from masturbating 14 hours a day, and deprive the African American community of their culture.

Thankfully, an innovative marketing firm 40A created BlackBird, the first web browser designed specifically for the African-American community, to break down the electronic walls we never even knew were there. This browser is powered by Firefox, but has several important differences.

• a black and brown color scheme
• pre-installed links to notable black sites
• a modified black search feature
• black news feed
• black videos
• a fund to raise money for OJ's appeal

Most of you didn’t even realize how white the internet is. Although it may appear as a colorless forum of anonymity, apparently the BlackBird designers felt that although content relative to the African-American community exists on the web, prejudiced meta-search engines like Google prevented a culture from flourishing. Some see Blackbird as a divisive, weird, unnecessary, marketing ploy, hearkening back to the days of segregation. Should there be a "separate but equal" internet for Blacks, another for Hispanics, another for Crackers, and yet another for the Rest?

When reached for comment, the KKK Public Relations goon said grimly,” We knew this day would come. We had a good thing going for quite a while. I only wish we hadn’t revealed our secret language to the world. Now we speak in Pig-Latin and I just feel like a jackass."

Terrorists are the New Indians

The American Indians stand to be some of the most savagely mistreated, marginalized, and abused people that the White American Man has ever decimated. The native peoples we gave cholera infested blankets to (and forced into small plots of land to drink our firewater and learn the secrets of the casino) have been demonized in our culture for no real reason other than being in the way of our Destiny. This prejudice was passed onto American children, who equated the Indians with the Bad Guy, and the American Cowboy with the Good Guy. This concept endured until WWII, when it became Cowboy versus Nazi Pigs. In the 1960's it became Cop versus Hippie, in the 70's Capitalists versus Communists, in the 80's ThunderCats versus Hair bands, in the 90's it went back to Cowboys and Indians for a few years, and then shifted to the Internet versus Saddam....In the 21st Century, the last American Cowboy finds himself President of the United States, and he and his screwball regime decides to create a real shitnami during eight years of tragically abused power. In this reign, a new version of the classic Good and Evil archetype has emerged, and thus, Freedom versus the Terrorist.

Hence, the creation of toys like this pseudo-LEGO Mr. Bandit, a must have for any boy or girl whose passion for Freedom burns like gonorrhea. BrickArms, a small family toy company in Seattle specializes in knocking off LEGO toys, with a historical and violent twist.

And who better to team up with your radical insurgent toy than a German SS Major, sporting a fancy hat and silver MP40 SMGs. There isn’t anything these two diabolical scoundrels can't scheme up: Overthrow pervasive Western culture, win the Amazing Race, open up a Quizno's franchise, lead a Little League soccer team to victory (overcoming insurmountable odds after Marty Bernstein mysteriously disappears). I smell a sitcom with star potential.

Since America is clearly the infallible source of all that is pure and moralistic, we have the unavoidable responsibility of demonizing a people until it’s no longer convenient, then moving on to the next. American Natives and Terrorists have undergone similar persecution (albeit for dissimilar reasons). Both were hunted down ruthlessly, both are denied basic legal rights guaranteed to Human Beings, and both have been made into toys for our Cowboys to triumph over again and again. But with all these enemies, it’s often hard to figure out who we are at War with.

Now that it has been transformed into a child's toy, we finally know who the Enemy is.

Bailing out the "Beg Three"

As the American automotive industry teeters on the brink of utter annihilation, our Congress earnestly jabbers away, toying with the idea of playing David Hasselhoff to the smelly, drunk homeless junkie (executives) flailing flamboyantly in the murky water. But should the American people keep our industrial cornerstone afloat? Last time I checked, stones tend to sink, or roll. Dodd admonishes “We cannot afford to let them fail,” and also insists we cannot simply write a blank check, after our capital injections into banks were less effective than lard injections into pork- wary Islamic fundamentalists (the first taste is free, and after they abandon their radical ways, we charge them exorbitant prices for limited edition Qurans printed on scrolls of savory bacon, and thus capitalism burrows into their hearts like an gluttonous tick). If the Big Three were to go under, millions of lives would be affected. Already, the 240,000 some layouts they have issued to cut costs led to three tenths of a percent rise in unemployment, bringing the rate to nearly 6.9%- the highest our brave country has seen in 34 years.

There is no easy solution. Restructuring in bankruptcy or being bought out by successful Japanese companies might work, but the fact remains that even if we shell out the $34 billion they requested, the real problem is still not addressed. No matter how much money we give the Three to remain operational, it doesn’t change the fact that people can’t and won’t buy cars whilst in the grips of this freakish recession. You & I could speculate until blue in the face about what they should do- but in the end, Congress will do what they want, not what We want.

I am looking to the future. The Age of the automotive vehicle is over, gone like the Dodo before it. We need to focus on the future of transportation (and no, it has nothing to do with electric cars or hydrogen powered hovercrafts). We need to get back to basics, and consider alternative modes of transport.

First to be considered- the classic bicycle (although China has given this once proud conveyance a Communist taint, unless we are talking about the cool ones with one giant wheel, and one tiny wheel, a fitting metaphor for American extremism). I personally fancy a skateboard of the longer variety (mysteriously dubbed longboard), and enjoy weaving in and out of traffic, teasing death while eating a falafel and deviating from my phone conversation to yell at foolish pedestrians that lunge in front of me. I don’t want to see any more rollerbladers- they make me want to puke and should be hunted down like dogs. I’d like to see more people skiing somewhere other than pointlessly meandering down hills, more hang gliding from your nearby cliff to your favorite sushi house’s roof, and more enthusiastic pogo-stickers bouncing their way to the bar. I’d like to see El Camino’s pulled by ornery donkeys, more people riding ostriches, and an increase in the always popular Zamboni (although seemingly sluggish, they get great mileage and easily deal with lingering pedestrians in crosswalks). And the last I checked, submarines are powered by nuclear reactors, not liquid dinosaur bones, so I would like to see more day to day travel by sub, especially in Middle America. A new craze has swept the wheelchair community, and pioneers have begun attaching a small mast and sail to the chair, and those tired of walking are encouraged to take a seat and let the magical power of the wind whisk you away to where you need go.

We need more moving sidewalks, more guacamole powered monorails, and more people willing to tie hundreds of helium balloons to their lawn chairs, rising above this pathetic dependency not only on foreign oil, but on the antiquated notion of life being made easier by a gas guzzling “hot whip.”