Let the Good Times Roll

There’s nothing I admire more than the spirit of innovation. Let’s face it, doing things the traditional, obvious way, usually sucks. That’s why I eat potato chips with a fork, poop standing up, and insist on a first date we shave each others knuckle hair. America is known as a pioneer in innovation, and more specifically known for creating seemingly ridiculous, but absolutely essential inventions. My favorites include the male chastity belt, the electric indoor sundial, and the GPS bra and panty set.

When it comes to useless junk, chances are they fall in one of two categories: kitchen crap or fitness junk. I think we are all familiar with these products that can slice, dice, splice, and deep fry mice, but not everyone knows as much as I on the latest cutting-edge revolution in fitness technology. It is with great pleasure that I present to you the newest treadmill by Speedfit. We've all seen treadmills with desks built into them, or ones that dangle a cheese steak just out of reach, but nothing could prepare you for this! Why be confined inside your home or gym, running like a hamster on a wheel under harsh fluorescent lighting, when you could be outside, running like an idiot on a treadmill with wheels?

The new Speedfit treadmill is the world’s first all-terrain 4 wheeled treadmill, powered by your flabby thighs, and your sense of self-worthlessness. Originally created by the military, this futuristic technology I never thought I would live to see is finally available to obese civilians and bloody-nippled running freaks everywhere. Although it doesn’t turn very well, and has an SUV-like tendency to flip over and burst into flames, it certainly makes your neighbor on his/her Segway look like less of a dork. An upgraded version with bulletproof plastic shields allows the runner to avoid being pelted in the face with rotten vegetables and stinging insults from everyone you pass. Also, for those too ashamed to take their new Speedfit out in public, they also offer a double wide indoor treadmill, that one can place their four wheeled Speedfit on top of for a new level of Fit.

Coming soon from Speedfit, the wheeled stationary bike and the outdoor tanning bed (with wheels).

Get Ready for Obamaville

Currently, speculations about what He will do first are what the media seems to be devoting most of its time and energy into. However, the press’ pointless presidential prognostication prevents proper political probing. I say stop trying to beat the news to the punch, and just wait for it to actually happen, and then tell us about it.

I was recently able to sit down with the President- Elect and clear up the swirling haze of rumors and conjectures, and find out precisely the first three things he plans on doing after the coronation on Jan. 20^th.

As you know, America has lost a lot of respect and envy the rest of the planet once had for us. Now the French don’t even do us the honor of spitting on our tourists, the Russians no longer use our blue jeans as currency, the Japanese no longer force their daughters to have corrective surgery so they can more closely resemble Beyonce, and the Peruvians no longer dream of moving to Dawson’s Creek. The name brand America Is unsalvageable and Barack’s savvy PR squad realizes this. That’s why his very first order of business as President is to abandon our nations sullied moniker, and start a brave new chapter in the Promised Land called Obamaville! It just rolls off the tongue without the sour after-taste of USA. It sounds like a charming little place just down yonder, where you might bump into Tom Daschle at the market buying several gallons of cottage cheese. And think of all the confused terrorists, once so intent on destroying America, only to find it no longer exists. Obamaville sounds nice; the kind of place Bin Laden goes to summer when his gets all stir crazy in his lavish caves. Obama did promise change…

His eminence’s second initiative as Ruler of Obamaville will be to shut down Guantanano Bay (the prison, not the chic clothing-optional resort adjacent to the Pit of Despair). Closing Torture-Town is a no-brainer, but what do we do with the three hundred some detainees we have held illegally and savagely abused for the past seven years? The O-man has a plan. All the residents of North Dakota will be relocated, and the prisoners will be set free to live and flourish in the new state of Bush-is-a-Dickota. To show our sincere regret for the inconvenience we caused these men, we will offer them the greatest gift of all time- 15 glorious minutes of fame (and he will throw in the World’s Largest Buffalo Statue, too heavy to relocate). Some will be selected for a Fox special “Scared Straight- The Gitmo Boys,” and will tour elementary schools across the nation, making sure our youths never again take candy from Terrorists they don’t know. Others will star in “So You Think You Can Terrorize,” where former detainees will be paired with a washed-up celebrity. The detainees will give tips and tricks on how to endure invasive torture techniques administered by real CIA specialists. The show ends with a dancing contest, and every misstep sends a terrific blast of electricity to the nipple and testicle electrodes worn by each dancer (my money’s on Al-Awlaki and Dustin Diamond)

His third action taken will be of utmost importance to the national security of Obamaville. All flannel will be outlawed. Too long has our brave nation suffered from this aesthetically asinine pattern. This will put thousands of construction workers, farmers and lumberjacks out of work, but is a necessary step in securing our borders, and maintaining our freedom.

Excellent input thus far, and if you have further information on what Obama plans on doing once inaugurated, let me know. And do your part, click Follow This Blog at the top of the page and receive up to the minute updates on new entries appearing in your Google Readers section, or on your Dashboard).

Somali Swashbucklers Strike it Big

In these economically uncertain times, there are several professions which are flourishing. For example, cobblers find themselves inundated with shoes people are opting to fix rather than replace. But the real new growth market in our international economy is piracy. This week Somali pirates have been working overtime, first seizing a Saudi supertanker (three football feilds long, the largest ship ever hijacked), filled with $100 million in crude oil, and then two days later commandeering a Hong Kong freighter full of sex toys. Attacking with heavily armed speedboats and grappling hooks, they continue to elude NATO warships patrolling the Gulf of Aden.

They even have their own pirate port, full of bawdy saloons, peg leg boutiques, and several Starbucks. Currently the marauders are holding 17 ships (including a Ukranian vessel loaded with 20 new tanks) for ransom, and holding over 300 hostages. Rumor has it many hostages have given up on their day jobs, and taken the rare opportunity to begin a six month program at the nearby Academy for Swashbucklers.

Why the resurgence in bucaneering this past year? Have high school guidance counselors been misguiding impressionable young minds with dreams of pillaging and tri-cornered hats? I believe Disney is to blame. Their recent pirate trilogy has romanticized the brutal and arduous lifestyle. Or perhaps the once simple Somali fisherman left "Ät World's End" bitter and jaded, determined to get compensated for the hard earned goat it cost them to watch Johnny Depp stumble around the poop deck mumbling tragicly worn out quips.

My only problem with the aquatic outlaws is their dress. Where's the glamour and flourish of a sailor covered head-to-toe in exotic silks, and garishly feathered caps'? They insist on maintaining a drab fishermans appearance, don't have hooks for hands, and as of yet, have not been reported to be in cahoots with any dagger wielding monkeys or trash talking parrots! Yarr! How about some respect for the savage heritage and traditions of the plundering Privateer?

My hope is that the thousands of unemployed Americans take a hint and jump into this emerging and lucrative market. We have two oceans, a Gulf, and some rather large lakes bordering an unsuspecting Canada (or as I like to call them, America's hat). Lets take some initiative and dominate this industry. Let's start growing beards, dust off the old sextant, and do something about this economic crisis, the Pirate way.

Welcome to the Turbo Chronicles

Greetings! I, Sir Ciego, would like to cordially welcome you to The Turbo Chronicles, your number one spot for absurdly riveting blogs on current events, politics, music, art, voodoo, sumo, quantum mechanics, emu farming and hypothetical duels between celebrities, both living and dead.
You may be asking yourself, Who is Sir Ciego?
I am.
I used to describe myself as a Maverick, until Old Man McCain made it more uncool than owning a Lenny Kravitz CD, or a pair of sheer parachute pants. Since I can no longer practice dentistry in Nebraska, Iowa and Delaware, I now live in New York City and work as a freelance artist. I eat two bananas a day, pray to a makeshift altar made of Legos honoring Loki (the Norse God known as the Wizard of Lies), and have a penchant for chinese checkers and involuntary irreverance.

So fellow Americans, do your righteous duty, and email everyone you have ever met, even that ex you accidentally pooped on, and spread the word of The Turbo Chronicles. Input is essential, and All readers are encouraged to comment and interact without fear of CIA robots kicking in your door and dragging your screaming loved ones into the Darkness. This is a glorious new chapter in American expressionism, and in the Land of the Blurred, the Blind Man is king.