Get Ready for Obamaville

Currently, speculations about what He will do first are what the media seems to be devoting most of its time and energy into. However, the press’ pointless presidential prognostication prevents proper political probing. I say stop trying to beat the news to the punch, and just wait for it to actually happen, and then tell us about it.

I was recently able to sit down with the President- Elect and clear up the swirling haze of rumors and conjectures, and find out precisely the first three things he plans on doing after the coronation on Jan. 20^th.

As you know, America has lost a lot of respect and envy the rest of the planet once had for us. Now the French don’t even do us the honor of spitting on our tourists, the Russians no longer use our blue jeans as currency, the Japanese no longer force their daughters to have corrective surgery so they can more closely resemble Beyonce, and the Peruvians no longer dream of moving to Dawson’s Creek. The name brand America Is unsalvageable and Barack’s savvy PR squad realizes this. That’s why his very first order of business as President is to abandon our nations sullied moniker, and start a brave new chapter in the Promised Land called Obamaville! It just rolls off the tongue without the sour after-taste of USA. It sounds like a charming little place just down yonder, where you might bump into Tom Daschle at the market buying several gallons of cottage cheese. And think of all the confused terrorists, once so intent on destroying America, only to find it no longer exists. Obamaville sounds nice; the kind of place Bin Laden goes to summer when his gets all stir crazy in his lavish caves. Obama did promise change…

His eminence’s second initiative as Ruler of Obamaville will be to shut down Guantanano Bay (the prison, not the chic clothing-optional resort adjacent to the Pit of Despair). Closing Torture-Town is a no-brainer, but what do we do with the three hundred some detainees we have held illegally and savagely abused for the past seven years? The O-man has a plan. All the residents of North Dakota will be relocated, and the prisoners will be set free to live and flourish in the new state of Bush-is-a-Dickota. To show our sincere regret for the inconvenience we caused these men, we will offer them the greatest gift of all time- 15 glorious minutes of fame (and he will throw in the World’s Largest Buffalo Statue, too heavy to relocate). Some will be selected for a Fox special “Scared Straight- The Gitmo Boys,” and will tour elementary schools across the nation, making sure our youths never again take candy from Terrorists they don’t know. Others will star in “So You Think You Can Terrorize,” where former detainees will be paired with a washed-up celebrity. The detainees will give tips and tricks on how to endure invasive torture techniques administered by real CIA specialists. The show ends with a dancing contest, and every misstep sends a terrific blast of electricity to the nipple and testicle electrodes worn by each dancer (my money’s on Al-Awlaki and Dustin Diamond)

His third action taken will be of utmost importance to the national security of Obamaville. All flannel will be outlawed. Too long has our brave nation suffered from this aesthetically asinine pattern. This will put thousands of construction workers, farmers and lumberjacks out of work, but is a necessary step in securing our borders, and maintaining our freedom.

Excellent input thus far, and if you have further information on what Obama plans on doing once inaugurated, let me know. And do your part, click Follow This Blog at the top of the page and receive up to the minute updates on new entries appearing in your Google Readers section, or on your Dashboard).