Picking up the Pieces - the Aftermath of Kwanzaa

Despite numerous warnings by economists and theologians alike, this past December Americans seemed vastly unprepared for the onslaught of another vicious Kwanzaa. Although the official death toll is still unconfirmed, the chaos that erupted during the seven deadly days of this once innocuous, made-up holiday has left many Americans terrified, impotent and/or flabbergasted.

Kwanzaa is a week long orgiastic feast of death and debauchery, typically observed from December 26- January 1^st. It was created in the groovy 1960’s by Ron Karenga, avid bird watcher and anarchist. Karenga allegedly created his cult after a discussion with a very sassy sea turtle, and currently the 27 million estimated followers blindly heed seven unholy principles divinized by the reptile: cannibalism, necrophilia, sorcery, communism, tomfoolery, vagrancy and flatulence.

The once sacred and utterly Christian holiday season is slowly being eroded- first by BCS Bowl games, then by Hanukah, then Pagans getting kinky on the Solstice, and finally by the horrors of Kwanzaa. This has resulted in irreverent abominations like the upside-down Christmas tree suspended from the ceiling, and lynching an effigy of Santa during what used to be quaint seasonal gatherings.

“Not even Satan astride an armored dragon shooting fiery feces from a small catapult scares me more than Kwanzaa,” says Elaine Huffington, an 82 year old retired podiatrist and just one of the many lives affected by Kwanzaa. On the fourth day (dedicated to extreme vagrancy) she could barely walk down her building’s stairs, and had to ask the Kwanzaa fanatics lounging in dedication several times to please move (which they begrudgingly did, but not without a disdainful look). Most were just extremely tired after a night of serenading, and then copulating with their favorite dead celebrity and/or world leader. “It was the worst, I mean, I thought the Holocaust was bad- they should all be sent to prison,” complained the crotchety old woman.

The New York City Police Commissioner confirmed that although meth-heads and skateboarders are their primary targets during most of the year, come Kwanzaa time they dust off the riot gear, and brace for the worst. And the pandemonium was not isolated to American shores. Kwanzaa is worshiped in over 60 countries, and on the sixth day (aspirations of tomfoolery) when a mayonnaise filled condom was hurled over a wall and splattered on a Hamas General, the result was nothing short of War. Currently the skirmish between Israel and Palestine has left nearly 400 dead, hundreds injured, and toothy smiles on the faces of those Kwanzaa maniacs.

The devastation is immense and far reaching. The insanity of Kwanzaa must be addressed in the public forum, not merely whispered about in dark rooms like some mythic boogeyman. Scientists predict that next year, if 27 million people fart in one calculated strike, the Earth could be thrown out of orbit and hurled into the Sun. There are only 354 days left until Kwanzaa strikes again. Will You be ready?