Monkey Athletes to Compete in 2010 Olympics

According to a recent press release from the Olympic Commission, for the first time in history, monkey athletes will be allowed to compete for medals representing their country of origin in Vancouver next year. Not surprisingly, humanity is once again trying to usher in its own demise, this time by educating its once less evolved monkey brothers. For years the highest job a monkey could hold was a butler- no longer. A recent study has shown monkeys increased prowess and proficiency in once human activates like bowling, abstract art, and chain smoking, thanks to the tutelage of dim-witted humans everywhere.

Apparently in the early years of the Olympics, the Greeks regularly allowed animals to compete, both against each other and their human counterparts. In those days the Olympics were a great deal bloodier and full of gratuitous nudity (nearly identical to early episodes of the Jerry Springer show). After a few centuries of animal domination in the Games, bitter humans decided it was better to simply eat their competition, and phased non-humans out of the picture.

Since the inception of the Cold War, the Russians have began dabbling in training monkeys in a variety of insidious programs- monkey comedians to entertain the troupes, monkey black operatives to assassinate capitalist pigs, monkey bookies to rig the Superbowl, and monkey rock and rollers to compete with Sonny and Cher. The Chinese sent hundreds of AIDS infected simian sleeper agents to American zoos as diplomatic gifts. When exposed to a specific audio trigger, these Trojan Chimps would slip out of captivity, make their way to the White House, rape the President, and hurl their feces mercilessly at the Vice President.

Presently, training monkeys to do human activates is seen as cute rather than incredibly dangerous to the survival of our species. When primates evolved into Neanderthals, you didn’t see cavemen teaching monkeys how to make fire and swing clubs. No, instead they hunted down their less evolved brethren, feasted on their flesh, and ensured humans would remain the dominant species. However, a great deal of time has passed, and as the inter-species monkey alliance has evolved in secrecy, scores of foolish humans insist on teaching them our way of life and ushering in the next generation of super-apes.

Recent video footage has been leaked of some alarming chimpanzee training programs. The ice skating monkey (a product of the German military) is so talented and graceful that it and many more like it are sure to overtake the entire sport in less than a decade, leaving Brian Boytano and others forced to sell their sequined leotards on the streets for nickels to survive. Ask yourself What Would Brian Boytano Do then? Tokyo’s monkey waiter is reportedly “better than most bad waiters,” and spells disaster for every bright American with their AA degree.

And the footage revealing some sick freak teaching a chimp to not only wear overalls, but also to operate a Segway is truly frightening. Imagine what will happen when the terrorists see what these monkeys can do, and unleash hordes of jihadist chimps with shotguns duct-taped to their Segways onto the American public. These monkey warriors are dedicated, strong, smart, and willing to blow themselves up for 72 bananas.

Few Americans seem concerned with this imminent threat, and instead worry about America’s lack of any note-worthy monkey athletes. Most of the chimps ice skating and playing basketball have been trained by European and Asian countries. Americans have spent the past century focusing on teaching our monkeys to smoke cigars, use potentially life threatening shampoos, and fornicate in a variety of positions. The government needs to wise up and allocate a billion or two of the stimulus package to building and maintaining several monkey athletic training facilities, to give our nation a fighting chance come 2010 in Vancouver.

Chilling evidence recently unearthed by leading fake news authorities suggest the inter-species monkey alliance is behind global warming, the 2008 election of Barack Obama, and the popularity of Elmer Fudd winter hats. Obviously the Olympic Commission has been infiltrated by these nefarious apes, and no one knows how deep it goes. It’s only a matter of time before the monkeys and robots humans train to mimic our humanity team up and eliminate us.

The only recourse to thwart this evolutionary coup is to legalize and make mandatory all performance enhancing drugs, and give humans a fighting chance. We need to pump Barry Bonds so full of GHB he becomes a muscled mutant home run machine. Or, since that has already happened, we need to murder Bonds’ family, frame an innocent chimp with a record, and strap some ice skates onto the controversial baseball superstar. His berserker rage and diet of raw orangutan flesh, compounded by incessant intravenous steroid usage will make America a viable Olympic contender in 2010, and give Humans a slight edge in the coming Primate World War.