Barack Obama versus Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

With the most historic American inauguration fast approaching on the heels of Martin Luther King Jr.‘s birthday, most Americans are left with one nagging question on their minds- who would win in a fight between Barack Obama and Martin Luther King Jr.? This high-profile hypothetical battle royal would be a tough skirmish- with each opponent fighting with tooth and claw to the bitter end- and must be carefully evaluated from all sides.

Although it is true MLK might have been jealous of Obama’s newfound status as the most popular black man in American history, most agree they probably wouldn’t have fought to the death in nine savage rounds of bare knuckle no-holds-barred boxing had they both been alive today. However, when a title like most popular black man in history is up for grabs, these far fetched hypotheticals must be considered and analyzed in depth.

If the two powerful leaders did meet, it is certain they would have been far from best friends, or even soul brothers. King was an avid death metal fan and member of several Gospel choirs, while Obama prefers the anguished screeches of Tori Amos. King was a devout Christian, and Obama secretly sleeps facing Mecca. When it comes to the Jonas brothers, King likes Nick, while Barack favors Joe. Clearly the two had different tastes, and could very well have been bitter rivals.

THE CONTENDERS

In the red corner, at approximately 5’7” and weighing in at 152 lbs, is the Equal Opportunity Puncher himself, Martin Luther King Jr. aka the King of Swing. Although King is of a slight build, his body has been hardened by thousands of southern mahogany police batons, and is used to taking a beating. He is incredibly tough, can endure both slings and arrows, and the simple fact that he can withstand the pain of getting a bar stool broken over his back makes him a dangerous contender. His study of the Holy Exploding Testicle Punch at seminary gives this zealot a sinister secret attack. MLK is no stranger to fighting bigger opponents, and actually rose to fame first as an underground street fighter, dishing out biblical pain and suffering to the bums and Irish sailors along the Gulf Coast. After a scary incident where King nearly defeated the reigning champion, but was attacked by a rabid panda bear intending to ensure both his loss and death, King was never the same. He left the ring that day covered head to toe in fresh panda blood (after viciously ripping out the beast’s throat, and then unleashing the wrath of God on the cheating champion), and left the world of illegal street fighting behind to become a motivational speaker and avid marcher. King is tenacious, resilient, has a lot to lose in this fight, and is not to be underestimated.

In the blue corner at 6’2”, and weighing in at 165 lbs is the Golden Child himself, Barack “Babyface” Obama aka the "The Ding-a-Ling Man." Obama is a wiry specimen, and is known to keep himself in peak physical condition. After defeating Chuck Norris in hand to hand combat, Barack became the official spokesman for the Total Gym, and has already installed “The Perfect Push-up” in the Oval Office. Although King might try a surprise swipe with a colossal Bible, Barack is ready to counter with an equally massive tome of archaic Athenian democratic principles. Known for his platform of Change, Barack also embodies this in his fighting style, and is ready and willing to change the game with a devastating roundhouse kick to the face.

THE SHOWDOWN

The fight would begin with a formal handshake, where the two men stare grimly at the other’s eyes and attempt to gain a slight psychological advantage. Neither shows any sign of fear, and MLK bows his head in a prayer to his big guy in the corner in the sky. Obama respectfully waits for the pastor to finish the recitation of his prayer, and lowers his guard for a moment. In this instant King unleashes an Alabama Slammer, sending the suckered President Elect stumbling backwards in stunned disbelief. Babyface Obama shakes it off and retaliates with a flurry of savage low kicks and sweeps. King shrugs off the rain of blows and follows with five calculated strike combinations, forcing Babyface to backpedal guardedly. The two range around the ring in a graceful dance of feints and evasions. The Killer King fakes a retreat and suddenly lunges at Obama with a flying knee to the chest. Obama is ready with a block, and snatches the Prince of Peace from the air, deciding to use his wiry strength on the ground to try and grapple the Good Doctor into submission. But King is a hard man to keep down, and is soon back on his feet. It quickly becomes apparent that he hopes to capitalize on Obama’s nicotine addiction and diminished lung capacity to win this fight by taking the abuse and punishment as his people have done for years, until Obama tires out. As the O man delivers heavy handed blow after blow, he soon appears to lose his head of steam, and his strikes become dangerously sluggish. Seeing his opportunity, the civil rights leader prepares to wind up and deliver his secret atomic Heathen Halter to his wheezing opponent (when studying the Art of War, the Old Testament can be a brutal manual of strategic death and destruction). Obama suddenly drops his guise of fatigue and delivers a skull shattering spinning back-kick he likes to call “The Stimulus Package,” sending the King to DreamLand for good.

It is truly unfortunate these two great men never had the chance to meet face to face and savagely punch one another in real life. My conjecture, although highly scientific and considering a plethora of variables, is only the most likely outcome of such an imaginary showdown. I predict Obama uses his youthful quickness, skinny frame, dedication to change, and Ivy League savvy to outwit the once revered doctor.

Who do you think would win in a fight between the Obaminator and the MiLK Man?