Michael Jackson Broke and Selling it All

This particularly annoying recession has left a number of states and countries broke as a joke. First, the robot sent back in time to bankrupt California, then the Guinness World Record holder for a nation drinking the most Coca-Cola per capita (Iceland), and now the King of Pop find themselves financially insolvent. Beginning April 22nd, Julien’s Auction House in Beverly Hills will be selling over two thousand personal effects of the legendary child star turned child rapist, Michael Jackson.

Where a normal celebrity might simply sell their sperm or eggs or crack-pipe collection, Michael Jackson remains far from normal. Instead, the crotch-grabbing moonwalker has decided to sell everything from the gates of Neverland Ranch to his prolific bedazzled white glove. It turns out the Smooth Criminal had quite a fetish for tacky and expensive art (such as the painting above), furniture, toys, clothes, and vehicles. Here are just a few of the irresistible items soon to on the auction block……

Everyone should have an oil painting of themselves dressed like an elf determined to look like a pompous prick.

Nothing better than a statue of an elderly shriveled wigger butler

The pointy shape of this award assures that Michael Jackson put it in his ass, and I'm not sure if the fact that this American Music Award is encrusted with Jackson's butt-juice makes it more or less valuable. As the saying goes, "one mans music award is another mans dildo. "

Perhaps one of the most useful items up for sale, these original scissor-hands are good for topiary & ice sculpting, picking locks, and pet grooming, although they can be somewhat constrictive when it comes to taking a shit.

For those seeking comfort, style, and protection from 6" tall dragons, this pair of chain mail socks is for you. Never fear yappy chihuahuas or accidentally slicing through your Achilles tendon again.

The coolest item up for bid- if we all pool our money, we could buy it together and share the animatronic robot head one day a month. Aside from its face opening up, I believe it also makes cappuccinos and predicts the future. I need this.

Furthermore, the King of Pop is also selling a number of jewel encrusted thrones, his tour bus (including sheets he hasn’t changed in 15 years), the hood of his limousine (featuring a custom painting of himself dressed as Peter Pan), the left pinky finger of his chimp Bubbles, a rare porno featuring Ronald Reagan and Elizabeth Taylor, a set of ten pairs of jeans with holes cut out of the inside of the pockets and a faux stick of licorice peeking out enticingly, his Thriller Pog collection and bejeweled slammer, his automatic moon-walking shoes, and an autographed collection of jokes about himself (featuring my personal favorite- Why was Michael Jackson in the hospital for a week? He ate a ten year old wiener.).

Monkey Athletes to Compete in 2010 Olympics

According to a recent press release from the Olympic Commission, for the first time in history, monkey athletes will be allowed to compete for medals representing their country of origin in Vancouver next year. Not surprisingly, humanity is once again trying to usher in its own demise, this time by educating its once less evolved monkey brothers. For years the highest job a monkey could hold was a butler- no longer. A recent study has shown monkeys increased prowess and proficiency in once human activates like bowling, abstract art, and chain smoking, thanks to the tutelage of dim-witted humans everywhere.

Apparently in the early years of the Olympics, the Greeks regularly allowed animals to compete, both against each other and their human counterparts. In those days the Olympics were a great deal bloodier and full of gratuitous nudity (nearly identical to early episodes of the Jerry Springer show). After a few centuries of animal domination in the Games, bitter humans decided it was better to simply eat their competition, and phased non-humans out of the picture.

Since the inception of the Cold War, the Russians have began dabbling in training monkeys in a variety of insidious programs- monkey comedians to entertain the troupes, monkey black operatives to assassinate capitalist pigs, monkey bookies to rig the Superbowl, and monkey rock and rollers to compete with Sonny and Cher. The Chinese sent hundreds of AIDS infected simian sleeper agents to American zoos as diplomatic gifts. When exposed to a specific audio trigger, these Trojan Chimps would slip out of captivity, make their way to the White House, rape the President, and hurl their feces mercilessly at the Vice President.

Presently, training monkeys to do human activates is seen as cute rather than incredibly dangerous to the survival of our species. When primates evolved into Neanderthals, you didn’t see cavemen teaching monkeys how to make fire and swing clubs. No, instead they hunted down their less evolved brethren, feasted on their flesh, and ensured humans would remain the dominant species. However, a great deal of time has passed, and as the inter-species monkey alliance has evolved in secrecy, scores of foolish humans insist on teaching them our way of life and ushering in the next generation of super-apes.

Recent video footage has been leaked of some alarming chimpanzee training programs. The ice skating monkey (a product of the German military) is so talented and graceful that it and many more like it are sure to overtake the entire sport in less than a decade, leaving Brian Boytano and others forced to sell their sequined leotards on the streets for nickels to survive. Ask yourself What Would Brian Boytano Do then? Tokyo’s monkey waiter is reportedly “better than most bad waiters,” and spells disaster for every bright American with their AA degree.

And the footage revealing some sick freak teaching a chimp to not only wear overalls, but also to operate a Segway is truly frightening. Imagine what will happen when the terrorists see what these monkeys can do, and unleash hordes of jihadist chimps with shotguns duct-taped to their Segways onto the American public. These monkey warriors are dedicated, strong, smart, and willing to blow themselves up for 72 bananas.

Few Americans seem concerned with this imminent threat, and instead worry about America’s lack of any note-worthy monkey athletes. Most of the chimps ice skating and playing basketball have been trained by European and Asian countries. Americans have spent the past century focusing on teaching our monkeys to smoke cigars, use potentially life threatening shampoos, and fornicate in a variety of positions. The government needs to wise up and allocate a billion or two of the stimulus package to building and maintaining several monkey athletic training facilities, to give our nation a fighting chance come 2010 in Vancouver.

Chilling evidence recently unearthed by leading fake news authorities suggest the inter-species monkey alliance is behind global warming, the 2008 election of Barack Obama, and the popularity of Elmer Fudd winter hats. Obviously the Olympic Commission has been infiltrated by these nefarious apes, and no one knows how deep it goes. It’s only a matter of time before the monkeys and robots humans train to mimic our humanity team up and eliminate us.

The only recourse to thwart this evolutionary coup is to legalize and make mandatory all performance enhancing drugs, and give humans a fighting chance. We need to pump Barry Bonds so full of GHB he becomes a muscled mutant home run machine. Or, since that has already happened, we need to murder Bonds’ family, frame an innocent chimp with a record, and strap some ice skates onto the controversial baseball superstar. His berserker rage and diet of raw orangutan flesh, compounded by incessant intravenous steroid usage will make America a viable Olympic contender in 2010, and give Humans a slight edge in the coming Primate World War.

Michael Phelps Caught Smoking Super Bowl

Letter from field correspondent Jericho Swarley, sports fanatic

This weekend was a bonanza of sports extravaganza, the likes of which I hadn’t seen since the Fighting Saints lost to the underdog Quivering Beagles in the Utica Boys and Girls Club regional semi-final baseball blowout of 1979 (when one of the players pulled a gun, the fans broke into fits of feverish rage and destruction, literally tearing the stadium into thousands of pieces and then overtaking a nearby Arby’s).

Firstly, the world discovers that despite how many gold medals they have won, 22 year old white males still enjoy smoking the reefer. Why is Phelps non-medical inhalation of marijuana smoke from an alarmingly inornate glass water pipe a major story? Shouldn’t the real story be capturing and dissecting this merman to understand his indomitable aquatic speed and prowess? I recall an era not too far gone, that when you return home from the Olympics with eight gold medals, you can do whatever you please. The American government shows their appreciation and respect for this super heroic athlete by granting him carte blanche. He should be allowed to eat, sleep, drink and urinate wherever he pleases, he’s earned that. Fathers would proudly offer their daughters virginity; mothers would offer to videotape it, and Phelps can go into any cage at any zoo at any time and challenge the animal to a duel. Phelps is barely old enough to drink and already has more gold medals and endorsements than Jesus. Sources close to Phelps attribute his actions to the corrosive reggae music he had been involved with, and after a short spell in rehab, believe he will be just fine.

The second major event was the Australia world championship tennis match between fierce rivals Nedal and Federer. The 22 year old Spaniard Nedal played with the fervor of someone whose baby had just been eaten by a dingo. He came back from down sets to prevent Federer from tying Pete Sampras for winning the most championships ever, and made Federer eat his tennis ball, repeatedly. Federer is a known marksman and polygamist, and was so overcome with hatred for his opponent he broke into tears during the trophy presentation. This slugfest was fun to watch even if you can’t decipher the scoring system- the mere chance of seeing a bellboy get perforated by a 140 mph serve makes it all worthwhile.



Finally, the tumultuous Super Bowl game rounded the weekend off nicely. This game not only represents the titanic struggle between the two best teams of the NFL, it also represents a plethora of fun gambling opportunities. I placed small wagers on everything from the color of the Gatorade dumped on the coach to the total hot dog revenue to the Boss flashing a tasseled nipple during his half-time show. Why not? It’s a recession, and people need to start getting creative when it comes to making a buck, and I think gambling on the obscure minutia of sporting events is the perfect opportunity. The game itself was highly entertaining, and although I was rooting for the birds, I couldn’t deny the herculean efforts made by players on both sides. I think the turning point in the game was when Bruce Springstein let his power slide get away from him and slammed his genitals into an unsuspecting cameraman. It’s a good thing Bruce is a eunuch, or that slide could have been severely damaging.



As my cab driver raced down the streets of Queens in speeds exceeding 120 mph (assuring me in broken English there is safety in speed), the reality of what had just transpired began to set in. Although there are still many other sports left to drink to and gamble upon, the passing of another football season leaves my heart filled with a great sorrow. I perk up, realizing sumo season is just around the corner, and try to fill my mind with thoughts of flabby men in diapers to distract myself from the reality of my cab hitting a small dip and launching into the air. The SUV’s shocks handle the jump well enough, and I hand the grinning cabby a wad of crumpled bills as I arrive at my apartment. I decide to start my Olympic training, and light up neatly twisted spliff, wishing deep down inside I could just hibernate until next September.
-Jericho Swarley