Michael Jackson Broke and Selling it All

This particularly annoying recession has left a number of states and countries broke as a joke. First, the robot sent back in time to bankrupt California, then the Guinness World Record holder for a nation drinking the most Coca-Cola per capita (Iceland), and now the King of Pop find themselves financially insolvent. Beginning April 22nd, Julien’s Auction House in Beverly Hills will be selling over two thousand personal effects of the legendary child star turned child rapist, Michael Jackson.

Where a normal celebrity might simply sell their sperm or eggs or crack-pipe collection, Michael Jackson remains far from normal. Instead, the crotch-grabbing moonwalker has decided to sell everything from the gates of Neverland Ranch to his prolific bedazzled white glove. It turns out the Smooth Criminal had quite a fetish for tacky and expensive art (such as the painting above), furniture, toys, clothes, and vehicles. Here are just a few of the irresistible items soon to on the auction block……

Everyone should have an oil painting of themselves dressed like an elf determined to look like a pompous prick.

Nothing better than a statue of an elderly shriveled wigger butler

The pointy shape of this award assures that Michael Jackson put it in his ass, and I'm not sure if the fact that this American Music Award is encrusted with Jackson's butt-juice makes it more or less valuable. As the saying goes, "one mans music award is another mans dildo. "

Perhaps one of the most useful items up for sale, these original scissor-hands are good for topiary & ice sculpting, picking locks, and pet grooming, although they can be somewhat constrictive when it comes to taking a shit.

For those seeking comfort, style, and protection from 6" tall dragons, this pair of chain mail socks is for you. Never fear yappy chihuahuas or accidentally slicing through your Achilles tendon again.

The coolest item up for bid- if we all pool our money, we could buy it together and share the animatronic robot head one day a month. Aside from its face opening up, I believe it also makes cappuccinos and predicts the future. I need this.

Furthermore, the King of Pop is also selling a number of jewel encrusted thrones, his tour bus (including sheets he hasn’t changed in 15 years), the hood of his limousine (featuring a custom painting of himself dressed as Peter Pan), the left pinky finger of his chimp Bubbles, a rare porno featuring Ronald Reagan and Elizabeth Taylor, a set of ten pairs of jeans with holes cut out of the inside of the pockets and a faux stick of licorice peeking out enticingly, his Thriller Pog collection and bejeweled slammer, his automatic moon-walking shoes, and an autographed collection of jokes about himself (featuring my personal favorite- Why was Michael Jackson in the hospital for a week? He ate a ten year old wiener.).