This weekend was a bonanza of sports extravaganza, the likes of which I hadn’t seen since the Fighting Saints lost to the underdog Quivering Beagles in the Utica Boys and Girls Club regional semi-final baseball blowout of 1979 (when one of the players pulled a gun, the fans broke into fits of feverish rage and destruction, literally tearing the stadium into thousands of pieces and then overtaking a nearby Arby’s).
Firstly, the world discovers that despite how many gold medals they have won, 22 year old white males still enjoy smoking the reefer. Why is Phelps non-medical inhalation of marijuana smoke from an ala
rmingly inornate glass water pipe a major story? Shouldn’t the real story be capturing and dissecting this merman to understand his indomitable aquatic speed and prowess? I recall an era not too far gone, that when you return home from the Olympics with eight gold medals, you can do whatever you please. The American government shows their appreciation and respect for this super heroic athlete by granting him carte blanche. He should be allowed to eat, sleep, drink and urinate wherever he pleases, he’s earned that. Fathers would proudly offer their daughters virginity; mothers would offer to videotape it, and Phelps can go into any cage at any zoo at any time and challenge the animal to a duel. Phelps is barely old enough to drink and already has more gold medals and endorsements than Jesus. Sources close to Phelps attribute his actions to the corrosive reggae music he had been involved with, and after a short spell in rehab, believe he will be just fine.The second major event was the Australia world championship tennis match between fierce rivals Nedal and Federer. The 22 year old Spaniard Nedal played with the fervor of someone whose baby had just been eaten by a dingo. He came back from down sets to prevent Federer from tying Pete Sampras for winning the most championships ever, and made Federer eat his tennis ball, repeatedly. Federer is a known marksman and polygamist, and was so overcome with hatred for his opponent he broke into tears during the trophy presentation. This slugfest was fun to watch even if you can’t decipher the scoring system- the mere chance of seeing a bellboy get perforated by a 140 mph serve makes it all worthwhile.
Finally, the tumultuous Super Bowl game rounded the weekend off nicely. This game not only represents the titanic struggle between the two best teams of the NFL, it also represents a plethora of fun gambling opportunities. I placed small wagers on everything from the color of the Gatorade dumped on the coach to the total hot dog revenue to the Boss flashing a tasseled nipple during his half-time show. Why not? It’s a recession, and people need to start getting creative when it comes to making a buck, and I think gambling on the obscure minutia of sporting events is the perfect opportunity. The game itself was highly entertaining, and although I was rooting for the birds, I couldn’t deny the herculean efforts made by players on both sides. I think the turning point in the game was when Bruce Springstein let his power slide get away from him and slammed his genitals into an unsuspecting cameraman. It’s a good thing Bruce is a eunuch, or that slide could have been severely damaging.
As my cab driver raced down the streets of Queens in speeds exceeding 120 mph (assuring me in broken English there is safety in speed), the reality of what had just transpired began to set in. Although there are still many other sports left to drink to and gamble upon, the passing of another football season leaves my heart filled with a great sorrow. I perk up, realizing sumo season is just around the corner, and try to fill my mind with thoughts of flabby men in diapers to distract myself from the reality of my cab hitting a small dip and launching into the air. The SUV’s shocks handle the jump well enough, and I hand the grinning cabby a wad of crumpled bills as I arrive at my apartment. I decide to start my Olympic training, and light up neatly twisted spliff, wishing deep down inside I could just hibernate until next September.
-Jericho Swarley
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Yes this was an interesting sports weekend! So interesting that my son got sent the principals office for talking about it in class. Read the story on my blog mandileen.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteScrew that Superbowl. It was entertaining but it wasn't a competition of the the two best teams in the NFL; just the luckiest. And the boss isn't anything special; I cant even count the number of times I've attempted the power-slide cock ram- with much worse results for both me and the recipient (ouchy!) Nobody important really cares about tennis, you know, just the rest of the world. Women's tennis- now that's a different story; I've got to resist touching myself just thinking about all those little white skirts and grunting. Yes the real story is Phelps pot smoking. He's just earned himself "Hightimes man of the year;" Finally proving that pot smokers can also be achievers. And he cant just say, "Oh some one just passed it to me at a party." Are you kidding me, with that lung capacity he's burning through the whole bowl in one hit. Phelps has to bring his own sack; "damn man can I get a hit before that shits cashed asshole!"
ReplyDeleteJ., thanks for giving props to the Aussie Open (despite what Jerseyryan said, 'cause we know he's a wussy man who wouldn't last one hour in THAT heat! ;-) )!
ReplyDeleteAnd it was an entertaining SB though I too want the ol' Cardiac Cards to pull through. But when they scored that TD with 3 minutes left, the FIRST thing I thought was: CRAP! They scored TOO soon!
Oh well, hopefully the Ravens will give SIXBurg their come-uppance NEXT season!
If Michael Phelps is into smoking pipes then good for him. Just because he enjoys smoking a water pipe does not mean he should have to lie about it and talk about the “big mistake” he made. The government makes a mistake every time it enforces marijuana prohibition at the expense of America and good since. America should grow up and quit attacking its own citizens for how they decide to spend their recreational time.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.sunflowerpipes.com