Let the Good Times Roll

There’s nothing I admire more than the spirit of innovation. Let’s face it, doing things the traditional, obvious way, usually sucks. That’s why I eat potato chips with a fork, poop standing up, and insist on a first date we shave each others knuckle hair. America is known as a pioneer in innovation, and more specifically known for creating seemingly ridiculous, but absolutely essential inventions. My favorites include the male chastity belt, the electric indoor sundial, and the GPS bra and panty set.

When it comes to useless junk, chances are they fall in one of two categories: kitchen crap or fitness junk. I think we are all familiar with these products that can slice, dice, splice, and deep fry mice, but not everyone knows as much as I on the latest cutting-edge revolution in fitness technology. It is with great pleasure that I present to you the newest treadmill by Speedfit. We've all seen treadmills with desks built into them, or ones that dangle a cheese steak just out of reach, but nothing could prepare you for this! Why be confined inside your home or gym, running like a hamster on a wheel under harsh fluorescent lighting, when you could be outside, running like an idiot on a treadmill with wheels?

The new Speedfit treadmill is the world’s first all-terrain 4 wheeled treadmill, powered by your flabby thighs, and your sense of self-worthlessness. Originally created by the military, this futuristic technology I never thought I would live to see is finally available to obese civilians and bloody-nippled running freaks everywhere. Although it doesn’t turn very well, and has an SUV-like tendency to flip over and burst into flames, it certainly makes your neighbor on his/her Segway look like less of a dork. An upgraded version with bulletproof plastic shields allows the runner to avoid being pelted in the face with rotten vegetables and stinging insults from everyone you pass. Also, for those too ashamed to take their new Speedfit out in public, they also offer a double wide indoor treadmill, that one can place their four wheeled Speedfit on top of for a new level of Fit.

Coming soon from Speedfit, the wheeled stationary bike and the outdoor tanning bed (with wheels).