They even have their own pirate port, full of bawdy saloons, peg leg boutiques, and several Starbucks. Currently the marauders are holding 17 ships (including a Ukranian vessel loaded with 20 new tanks) for ransom, and holding over 300 hostages. Rumor has it many hostages have given up on their day jobs, and taken the rare opportunity to begin a six month program at the nearby Academy for Swashbucklers.
Why the resurgence in bucaneering this past year? Have high school guidance counselors been misguiding impressionable young minds with dreams of pillaging and tri-cornered hats? I believe Disney is to blame. Their recent pirate trilogy has romanticized the brutal and arduous lifestyle. Or perhaps the once simple Somali fisherman left "Ät World's End" bitter and jaded, determined to get compensated for the hard earned goat it cost them to watch Johnny Depp stumble around the poop deck mumbling
tragicly worn out quips.My only problem with the aquatic outlaws is their dress. Where's the glamour and flourish of a sailor covered head-to-toe in exotic silks, and garishly feathered caps'? They insist on maintaining a drab fishermans appearance, don't have hooks for hands, and as of yet, have not been reported to be in cahoots with any dagger wielding monkeys or trash talking parrots! Yarr! How about some respect for the savage heritage and traditions of the plundering Privateer?
My hope is that the thousands of unemployed Americans take a hint and jump into this emerging and lucrative market. We have two oceans, a Gulf, and some rather large lakes bordering an unsuspecting Canada (or as I like to call them, America's hat). Lets take some initiative and dominate this industry. Let's start growing beards, dust off the old sextant, and do something about this economic crisis, the Pirate way.
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It seems, for the first time the nations of the world can come together on one thing... using their forces to protect the black lifeblood of their 20th century engines and powerplants. So far the Injuns, the Rashuns, and the Koreans have thwarted attacks on the rough seas. Machiavelian morality bringing people together in time for christmas under one common black flag...
ReplyDeleteThere really isn't industry for knife wielding monkeys either, they've all moved on to the rewarding career of helper monkey's- so now you must have proof of disability to receive one. Then there is the process of training its blood lust; its quite a process putting to high a value on this commodity to actually allow them to knife fight. Its all supply and demand. So the jobs that would traditionally be monkey held have now gone to the Mexicans which have a natural propensity for knife fighting, but I digress. Hijacking an oil tanker is brillant; they cant blow you up and you're not running out of gas anytime soon. Its a great improvement on the white bronco of the 90's. My guess is that these pirate are going to take this opportunity to see the world. They'll be safe as long as they stay on it. My advice is to form several football teams and scrimmage each other; they've got three football fields right. Maybe prisoner against pirate in tradition of "The Longest Yard." I guess an end will come when they run out of food, but that might be a couple years out, cause remember they are Somali- god know they're light eaters.
ReplyDeleteThere really isn't industry for knife wielding monkeys either, they've all moved on to the rewarding career of helper monkey's- so now you must have proof of disability to receive one. Then there is the process of training its blood lust; its quite a process putting to high a value on this commodity to actually allow them to knife fight. Its all supply and demand. So the jobs that would traditionally be monkey held have now gone to the Mexicans which have a natural propensity for knife fighting, but I digress. Hijacking an oil tanker is brillant; they cant blow you up and you're not running out of gas anytime soon. Its a great improvement on the white bronco of the 90's. My guess is that these pirate are going to take this opportunity to see the world. They'll be safe as long as they stay on it. My advice is to form several football teams and scrimmage each other; they've got three football fields right. Maybe prisoner against pirate in tradition of "The Longest Yard." I guess an end will come when they run out of food, but that might be a couple years out, cause remember they are Somali- god know they're light eaters.
ReplyDelete